Where have I been?

I'm seeking,
but I'm falling?
I'm running,
but I'm walking?
I dwell with you,
but I dwell with the evil one?
How do I stay consistently in Your Presence?
by filling my itunes with worship?
by memorizing the few verses every one knows?
How do I keep an authentic spirit that kills the pleasing spirit I've been cursed with?
I can't focus..
I can't focus..
Should I be afraid to go to church because I screwed up?
It's not You not healing me..
It's me ripping out the stitches you've places in my heart.
It's me picking my baggage back up.
The thing that I desperately need to be of riddance,
is the thing that I desperately need to keep me sane.
Scratch that..
It's the thing that I need to hide me from You,
I am afraid of healing.
I am afraid of change.
I am afraid of transparency.
Well..
GET OVER IT.
c'mon.
Why raise my hands in the morning,
then tuck them in at night?
TAKE IT.
HAVE IT.
haha- I'm done with it.